When space is silence…

Words, sounds, and space…

There

13 Comments

No moon  
    only stars observe us

Maybe they report your location  
  in blinking language


_____Adriana Citlali
II-IV-MMIV
VII-III-MMXV

Today I am trying reduction on an old poem from 2004, which I never published. It went from 40 words to 14. I like its new form.

MTB: Systematically Derange the Language | dVerse.


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Author: Adriana Citlali Ramírez

A citizen of the world, born in Mexico city... A physicist (working as a geophysicist) and a part-time artist (creative writing, oil/acrylic painting, photography)… All posts and poems ©Adriana Citlali Ramírez. All rights reserved.

13 thoughts on “There

  1. No moon
    stars observe

    blinking language

    🙂

  2. The 2004 version is:

    There is no moon in the sky.
    Only the stars are allowed to observe us.
    Maybe they are trying to report your location,
    in the blinking of their language.

    The moon is gone.
    The tears in the river stole her.

  3. I really like the condensed version. The loneliness is not necessary to mention as the space and emptiness do it instead

  4. I like it too, very much.

  5. I admire the condensed version too ~ The vastness of the stars speak for themselves ~

  6. So much said in a few words! Minimal indeed!
    I’m yet to write an abridged version 🙂

  7. and maybe
    they are just jealous — being only
    able to peek in.

  8. I really like the reduction as WELL as the original (which is already lean). I think the reduction is more poetic & packs more of a ‘punch’ than the original. You used this technique to excellent effect!

  9. A wonderful reduction! Though both are lovely, I agree with the comments above, this one is more flavorful!

  10. the ancients knew
    the stars must tell us
    where to be

  11. Very nice and succinct. Though I like the final stanza in the original about the moon. Peace, Linda

    • Yeah, I understand the feeling because I struggled a bit deciding whether or not to leave the last stanza out. I decided to do so, as I believe a complete story is told without it and the reader’s imagination can fill the gap.

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