When space is silence…

Words, sounds, and space…

A fantasy sorta story: It is dangerous to walk a dream

14 Comments

The old man strolls the moon     
without any reason     

Sometimes he stops     
to wonder why he walks     

On occasion he forgets the pace
and finds himself running in circles

Some circles had been run often
They are now deep and quiet

He rarely strolls the imaginary dark side
     –empty brightness can be bliss

But today he drew a raven in a crater
that cannot be seen from Earth

A shadowless bird flew around and left
The old man cried alone

His heart wants to draw that memory again
A painful illusion      (ephemeral silhouette)

He shall stroll once more
             with hazy reasons

The old man cries alone

_____Adriana Citlali
VI-VIII-MMXIV

Today at dVerse, we got a set of possible characters. The goal is to write a story in a poem with some of them. The story can be a bit of a fairy tale or fantasy. Mine is something in that bit…


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Author: Adriana Citlali Ramírez

A citizen of the world, born in Mexico city... A physicist (working as a geophysicist) and a part-time artist (creative writing, oil/acrylic painting, photography)… All posts and poems ©Adriana Citlali Ramírez. All rights reserved.

14 thoughts on “A fantasy sorta story: It is dangerous to walk a dream

  1. the old man in the man in the moon…what a character….some zingers of lines in this…the bright empty bliss…the drawing of the raven is intriguing as well…the pull of that memory to him as well is quite emotional…

  2. This was excellent really. I like the melancholy mood you evoked, and I can hear the tears of the old man.

  3. So sad but so well done ~ I specially like this part:

    But today he drew a raven in a crater
    that cannot be seen from Earth
    A shadowless bird flew around and left
    The old man cried alone

  4. Those deep quiet circles–great images here, and very nicely written!

  5. I really like what you did with this prompt.

  6. oh so sad…. you made me see him there on the moon… love the drawing of the raven… see.. i always say that we have no idea what’s really going on on the moon…glad you gave us a glimpse

  7. No loneliness can be worse than when no-one listens.. The outstanding image of a raven painted on the backside of the moon..

  8. love the expressions like empty brightness, shadowless bird and hazy reasons that make the poem so poignant…

  9. A fairy tale, perhaps, But one that seems to me to be so allegorical. The inclusion of the raven in your story is so evocative.

  10. Elegantly structured, with the detatched observation of one gazing on the moon and wondering what stories might be told there. What is the story of the bright side? Or the dark? And who is that man on the moon? An old man, for sure. Does he remember how his home was born? I grew up thinking the moon was delved from the seabed of the Pacific Ocean, but now I hear that it was assembled from a collision of orbs. A shell-shocked landscape, for sure. And what does it say of us? You tell a great story leaving plenty of space for other to dream through its rooms.

  11. Really developed well, and crucially – said something. Very well done.

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